The Golden Trident

Hailey Bland

Photos courtesy of Lincoln Youth Soccer, Janay Brown, and RedBull New York

According to Type Set and Zippia, 265 million people around the world play competitive sports, half of that play non-competitive sports. There are 4,204 referees in the United States alone, and 307,090 coaches in the United States. 33% of athletes quit before reaching any form of professional division, 70% of refs quit within 3 years, and 62% of coaches quit within 4 seasons. The overwhelming reason for this is parents. Let’s talk about it.

I have been a referee for about three years now. 

I hate it. 

However, it pays $50 a game and that’s not something you give up. My second time reffing, was when I was 12, I was reffing U7 (7 and under) kids. Parents of the losing team were getting frustrated and yelling at me throughout the whole game and the coaches ended it early, which is something only done in extreme circumstances. After the game, the same parent that was yelling most of the game approached me and started degrading me. My mom, who had been watching the game, immediately came to my defense because I was still young and I didn’t know what to say. An adult had never treated me so disrespectfully, and she was no longer allowed to come to her child’s games. 

Unfortunately, I’m not alone with this experience, it’s very far from an individual thing that I have had to go through and that is unacceptable, especially because 60% of refs are teenagers. A 2017 study from the Harvard University Gazette reveals that 80% of the refs who join the ranks quit within two years because of having to deal with angry and obnoxious adults. Nobody should have to deal with disrespectful parents. Some cases are more extreme than others like what one umpire (a baseball ref) went through, he had a life threatening experience that he shared with the New York Post, saying, “He recently had to flee a field for his safety after tossing out an unhinged manager.” One head ref shared part of his story in an interview with the New York Post, who reported that, “[He has] been officiating for a long time and [has] been yelled at [and] grabbed by somebody coming off the court.” 

  Refs are not the only people who have to deal with this issue, coaches do too. My stepdad, Jonathan, coached for quite some time and has never described the experience as pleasant. He’s shared many stories that are truly awful. He was constantly harassed by parents telling him that their kid should play, that their kid should start, and so on. Jonathan loved coaching because of kids and he quit because of the parents. 

I have also had a background in coaching. Within a week I was ready to quit. However, I was fired because the head coach sided with one parent, something they are never supposed to do.

 

I knew this parent was going to be a problem from day one. The first practice we got to know each other by playing games. This is exactly what my coach told me to do, and he’s coached for almost 10 years now. One particular parent came up to me as we were actively doing a drill and asked what we were doing because “it looked like a lot of nothing.” Within four practices I was fired because of one parent who decided her 4-year-old son should be doing more, telling the head coach I clearly couldn’t take on this responsibility. U4(4 and under kids) is about getting comfortable with the ball and I gave them that. 

Parents hold far too much power over people’s jobs and this is shown time and time again. For instance in an article by Changing The Game “Another transformational coach has been fired because parents complained loud enough and long enough” and again from Former Coach Challenge, who is talking about Adam Hiel “Dec. 8 letter alleges that the superintendent informed him that his coaching contracts would not be renewed due to parent concerns in both sports.” Parents know they hold power and clubs need the funding parents provide so they take the parent’s side.

I have played soccer since I was 4 years old and I love the sport. I’ve participated in every aspect of soccer, from reffing, to coaching, and playing. All of these have been difficult in different ways. The core of all these activities, the only reason any of these jobs exists is because of the athletes. Linkedin shows, “70% of kids drop out of youth sports by age 13,” Dan Abrahams says, “why would you make such a big decision at such a young age? Of course, the overwhelming majority have said it’s because of parents.” Changing the Game brings in a similar perspective, “The main [reason] kids quit sports are: It’s not fun anymore.” 

I know many people who have at one point in their life hoped to get injured while on the field just so they would have an excuse for one off game. People look up to their parents and that’s who they look for praise from. The people who are pressuring these kids are their role models, the people who should support them no matter how good or bad they do yet parents and coaches don’t. 

After every game, I get told what I did badly, how I should have done this and should have done that, which can be fair but sometimes it’s taken too far. From my experience the car rides after a game I performed poorly in are the worst, it’s either tense and silent or loud with a lot of reprimanding because “I wasn’t trying my hardest.” 

An article from Changing the Game shows this really well, “Kids miss the mom or dad that just loves them, the one that doesn’t have conditions on affection.” Children should not deal with so much pressure while already having school. 

I have a teammate whose mom is mean to her any time she doesn’t like how my teammate plays, even if she plays well. She watches her at practice and yells, she makes her go to every soccer-related event, and no matter what, her mom always says she didn’t do very well. This teammate is starting to hate the sport and I completely blame her mom. She has the potential to be great but I don’t think she will ever get to that point before she quits. A parent’s love should never be conditional, but the opposite of that happens far too much.

Many parents find a way to negatively impact every part of sports that their kids try to participate in. If you’re a ref, then you’re blind, if you’re the coach, then you’re stupid for not giving my kid play time, if you’re an athlete, then you’re not playing well enough. Parents want to relive their glory days through their kids and by doing that they make everyone else’s experience worse. 

It’s not just yelling at the ref, it’s harassing the ref, it’s not just telling the coach what to do, it’s making them miserable. It’s not just comparing your kid to yourself when you were their age, it’s making them want to quit. 

Parents need to stop butting into a sport they are no longer a part of and stop ruining other people’s experiences.