The Cliques

By Hailey Bland and Addison Bruce

Picture this: it’s lunch time, everyone has escaped their previous classes, and scattered to their retinues. We see clusters of students throughout the school or in the line to leave, but if we take a closer look, we will notice that teachers are doing the same. With their healthy, homemade, paper-bagged lunches, their beat-up metal water bottles, and their keys that you can hear jingling from miles away. You’ll see them gathering in their designated tables and offices, gossiping, giggling, and gaggling. That’s right, just like students, teachers too have cliques.

The Nerds: If you get close enough, you can hear the math teachers muttering numbers and formulas, but we’d advise you not to get that close. Poni, the loudest of the bunch and arguably too confident in his guitar skills. Dinzes, the man who always talks about his kids and is eerily easy to draw. “Huffer,” often seen with a runny nose, blames his kids for getting him sick, but we know the truth… Yourd, the man with the plan. “What plan?” you may ask. According to anonymous sources, he is persuading his students to donate to a Labubu fund. In this cluster of know-it-alls, there is one imposter who blends in. They call him Swifty, though not for his love for the singer, but for his fast pace on his mission to secure the nerd’s table.

The Loners: Herbs, the lone wolf with a shiny cranium, he stays in his room, grading and grading and grading. Watson, the BlackBerry Dr Pepper connoisseur. He has yet to be seen without one, and you don’t want to know what happens when he doesn’t have his daily DP—the Loners; unseen to all.

The Boffins: These teachers collaborate to make the most obnoxious assignments and clique. Often hiding in their hole, they call the “science office,” no matter the width of the drywall, their volume cannot be concealed. At the end of lunch, one by one, they scurry back to their designated chasm. Blincoe, the life of the party, alters the energy of every room he wanders into. Onago, sweet and silent, in her silence, she plots. What is she hiding?

The Conjoined: In Chemistry, opposites attract, but not for these two inseparable masses. Kennicutt and Laugen’s bond is covalent, the strongest bond there is. Students have reported the duo banging on each other’s walls in Morse code to summon the other to the halls. We don’t know what they do out there… and that is probably for the best.

The Blatherers: These teachers are the most concerning bunch. We worry about their eyesight from reading too much, we worry about their vocal cords straining from talking too much, and we worry about their overall sanity. The ELA teachers. O’Connor, the sticker-bearer who treats her honors students like they are puppies being trained with treats. Duvall, a vociferous philosopher who has smooth moves and frolics. Sorenson, the mom to all, but stern when she needs to be. Geselbracht, the Taylor Swift lover with an interest in Shakespeare. Now, go catch up on your chapters and stop reading The Garlic!

You may be wondering where the history teachers are, but they are history. They’re soooo last year.

So next time the teachers mock you for not hanging out with different people, or gossiping too much, know that they are no better.